My space?
Snug as a bug. She must be so cozy inside of her little space. Soon she’s going to have to show herself. Do you know that funny saying, “this is your space and this (draw an invisible force-field around yourself) is my space”. In pregnancy this just doesn’t apply. Your space is constantly shared by another in a way closer than any spouse will ever wish to be. She has been “hogging” my space for the last four months or so. Kicking is an understatement. It implies a bit of a jerky movement with a small sort of force. This kid is about as stretched out as a beachcomber on a grass mat who is vacationing for a spell on the Big Island. I can sometimes picture her sprawled out on a baby towel with her arms behind her head in that “lounging” position just smiling at how comfy and relaxed she feels. Meanwhile I still can’t bend over and tie my shoes without grunting as if I’m in my late 60’s and the ol’ bod just isn’t what it use to be.
Now the countdown has begun and she could really arrive at any moment. Apart from the thoughts of going into labor, I have been trying so hard to consider what it will be like to have two children in our home. To be a family of four rather than three. I still feel like such a kid rather than an adult so how on earth I became a mother and homeowner are just as much a surprise to me as they may be to you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our family, our life, our home decor and even our icky garden that will someday be a wee little harvest field. (sustainable living here we come!) But I still feel like Matt and I are these kids that get to play with colors on someone else’s walls and that all of the work we are doing on our home is really just for the landlord to enjoy after we move out. Or that we get to play with this cute kid who refers to us as mama and papa but we eventually need to give him back to his crabby parents when he turns two. This seems like the perfect time to give a child away if you are ever going to. Nothing has really made me feel very “adult” yet. Even when I meet a woman who is a bit older than me and has only had one child or is just pregnant for the first time, I still feel like her junior rather than a woman who has been through something she hasn’t yet.
I hope to hold onto this reality for as long as I can. I have fears of coming to that slightly pompous position where I feel more experienced, well rounded, more traveled, more educated of a person who has little to learn because life has “taught them so much already”. I have always loved learning. I ask tons of questions. In my life journey answers always have more “whys” to them and I don’t like simple answers that are devoid of true understanding.
My life, my space, has taught me so much about motherhood, responsibility, patience- Oh God give me patience! (Do all little boys have this much energy? Why would anyone draw on the couch rather than a piece of paper? Paper is just fine. What’s wrong with paper I ask?). I have not yet perfected the knowledge of love but I am learning of a love that gives rather than expects, as well as the expedient need for me to choose to enjoy my life rather than stress over it. (How is it possible that life can be so amazing but we can feel so sad inside?)
Yet I want to learn more. I long to blossom into one of those women who smile knowingly while everything around them seems to be falling apart. It’s as if they know inside that “this too shall pass”. Life is so short to spend the days crumbling to pieces. Our space is so limited. We have to share it. We have to give it away and occasionally we even have to clean it. If you’re like me you feel the insatiable need to scour it ever other day. How do crumbs gather so quickly? I envy women that talk about how they have given up on trying to keep things clean and orderly all the time. It must be so nice to be peaceful, cluttery and cheery. Meanwhile I cannot seem to ignore the fact that dust collects even on windowsills. What can I say? I am what I am.
My space is something that I really do treasure. I treasure the gift of life, even if sometimes I just feel “done” with it…the way a turkey might be “done” cooking or a marathon running is “done” with the race after his 26th mile. Have you ever seen the look on his face? He is definitely done! However, if at times I feel done and ready to give up the ghost, as they say, I treasure the joy of motherhood and being a wife and I really don’t want to leave just yet.
I even treasure our home space and the colors we have painted the walls. The work we’ve put into the old and cozy home has been years worth in just seven months. I love every curtain I have sewn in this house and every loaf of bread I’ve baked, party I’ve hosted, batch of yogurt I have cooked and even every plant I have placed in the ground of our dirt patch that I like to call “our garden”. I love our space! Our space is gently filling up as we enter into (or is it more like being thrust into?) this new phase of life. Going from three people to four really is a big deal (not like winning the $315 million lottery is a big deal, but better than getting given a free couch from a friend who is upgrading). It still changes everything. It completely changes your space. Your life!
Soon I’ll have aspects of my space back to myself again. She’ll be removed from her cozy and weightless (not my weight obviously) abode where she will begin to breath through her mouth rather than her belly button (this still blows my mind), and I will see her face for the first time. I can finally say, “So you’re who has been head down in my pelvis for the past few weeks making it almost impossible to walk two city blocks? You’re the one who made turning over in the middle of the night as impossible as parallel parking a Chevy Impala in the UK? You’re the one who turned my legs from a firm, muscle mass into squishy, wobbly bits? You’re the one I have waited so long to see? Welcome, my precious. Welcome to your new space.”
September 20th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
made me laugh out loud! great writing! i belong to the same club- feeling like i really am not all that grown up yet to own a house. it would be ridiculously surreal when we start having kids!
September 24th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
I’m gambling a powdered donut that you’ll have your daughter on October 3rd….Robert’s birthday!
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