bonjour family

Hey! We just sent out a newsletter. Check it out: Bonjour news 2006

The next time I have to come in here, I’m crackin’ skulls!

click above to see what I’ve found

Here is an exerpt from a very interesting article that a friend sent me. The author is commenting on the new book Captivating by Sheri Eldridge. You may have heard of her husband John Eldridge who wrote Wild at Heart, the book that made every man want to wrestle a bear. But for those men who love to bake and play with children you may have found yourself questioning your gender identity. Did I just write that? Perhaps I have strong opinions on books like this.

Agnieszka Tennant writes:

I may not be an Eldredge kind of lady, but I know beauty when I see it. And the most regrettable failure of Captivating is its tame idea of beauty. “Beauty is core to a woman—who she is and what she longs to be,” Stasi Eldredge writes. “Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman.” She gives examples: “Pioneer women brought china teacups into the wilderness, and I bring a pretty tablecloth to eat on when my family camps. We wear perfume, paint our toenails, color our hair, and pierce our ears, all in an effort to be ever more beautiful.” Sure. But there’s so much more.

If you want to read the article and let me know your thoughts I am very curious. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/008/25.60.html

I really appreciated Tennant’s commentary and I must admit that I haven’t read the actual book yet so perhaps I shouldn’t even have an opinion on such topics. But I do! I have been frustrated to no end on the sterotypical, evangelical construct of gender roles in this culture.

As I see it God made man and woman with an equal mandate, to rule and take dominion. I don’t see Him establishing roles, in the traditional sense, or even portioning out character traits that are specific of one particular gender. “Women are more emotional so they will always ‘feel’ more. Men are more visual so they will always struggle to some degree with lust.” How many people have comments such as this set up for a life of constant defeat and unending struggle?

While I do agree that genetic make plays a role in gender behavior (ie. woman have more estrogen so therefore their emotional hormones can come into play while men have more testosterone and different “bits” that keep sexual desire at more of the forefront) I do not at all believe in attributing certain personality traits to one gender or the other. Nor do I belive that we are locked into our genetic make up. If the cross is to give all authority then surely our daily physiological struggles can bend their knee as well. I belive that such a dogmatic approach to defining gender “roles” has led to sexual confusion on a massive scale, specifically in Western culture which makes such absolute distinctions.

What does a man do if he has no desire to marry and loves art and beauty. If he loves to garden and bake? What catagory does he belong in if he has no desire to rescue a damsel in distress or to overtake the powers of a wild animal then eat it’s heart for dinner?

Likewise, what catagory does a single middle aged woman who enjoys reading, watching movies like Jackass rather than The Notebook, and never desires to have children so she owns a cat, or 10 of them; where does she fit? You all have seen them…these are the women most of us “wonder” about when we see them walk into Starbucks with their tapered jeans, mullet hair cut and stone washed jean jacket. Are these women less beautiful and less of a woman because they do not fit this “role” of womanhood. Is it curious to us if they don’t break down and cry when watching a romantic movie? Is it eyebrow lifting to us when a man does?

Are women really more emotionally driven and they therefore need a practical man to “balance” them out. Dude, if I hear the word “balance” again while referring to men and women….well, I guess I’ll just deal with it. Probably not the best thing to scream during a sermon.

What about a man or woman who remains single forever? Are they not balanced? Do they have no other relationships in their lives to “balance” them out? Anyone who will challenge and quicken their maturity? Are they incomplete because they do not possess “both aspects of the character of God”? Well if that is the case then all of you parents with a brood of children who are all boys need to have a girl soon so as to create some balance in the home. Those of us who have both apparently have both aspects of the character of God represented in our homes. Hallelujah!

Recently I had a discussion about the role of the Elder in a church and asked the question of why women aren’t allow to be Elders. Again, I am not interested in equality because everything has to be “fair”. If that were the case Matt would be having this baby. I had the last one! I was just curious as to why this group didn’t feel a woman could be an Elder of a church. Remember an Elder is someone who is committed to the spiritual journey of the church and who is there to pray and counsel the members in times of need. In my mind both men and women would be, as John Bender put it, “outstanding in that capacity”. Shouldn’t a role be based on qualification rather than gender? What role does a widow have in a church, or an amazing teacher who happens to be a single female? I sure am grateful that my pastor isn’t threatened by my physical design and has asked me to teach on Sunday morning. And I got through it without crying. Just kidding.
The question I have asked over the past few years is whether or not our gender views are created or constructed, a title I borrowed from a fasinating book I read. I highly recommend it. I wonder where we get such views of men and women. Are they created by our maker who put certain characteristics in us from the beginning? Or are they constructs of our culture that either affirm or shame us in our journey through the adventure we call life? Both? Which ones? Who defines? The Eldridges?

Have these “roles” perhaps created confusion in those who do not fit into the specific box or caused others who do fit to judge and repell those who do not? Have they created more walls and barriers than entry ways of understanding and affirmation? I have my opinions but maybe not the answer. Just a line of questioning to make us all think.
Do not misunderstand me. I see there are differences. My son is already playing with blocks just for the sake of knocking them over and stepping on them while our friend’s daughter draws and colors quietly in the background. She is happy to sit with her mum in a strangers house while Oliver has already touched everything in the house that he isn’t suppose to and yelled at the items that he has fondled. However, my son also loves animals and flowers. He loves being outside and doesn’t just want to kick something. He cuddles, kisses and caresses a newborns face. He even comes to put his bare cheek on my tummy and sweetly says, “Baby!” He just is who God made him to be. It will change and morph as his life matures but I want to see who he becomes rather than making him into the traditional image of what a male should be and I fear for him growing up in a culture that ostrasizes someone who refuses to bend to the sterotype. This is most likely the road less traveled.

I have reached the point in this pregnancy where the reality of actually having this child into our home has finally sunk in. During the entire 9 months of pregnancy it’s easy to just go about life getting bigger, experiencing back pain, preparing a room or getting your house ready for the new arrival, and various other projects that lead up to the big moment. Then there comes a point that you realize this baby is actually coming into your home and you will see what she/he looks like in a matter of weeks.

I have never been one of those women who sits and rubs her belly all day and talks about the magic of pregnancy. I’m usually the one that comments on back pain and the ever growing butt that still tries to cram itself into pre pregnancy trousers. I actually do love to hold my tummy and feel the baby kick. I also love the beauty of the pregnant belly, as well as the pregnant butt for that matter. However, I did not with either pregnancy put head phones on my belly to allow my child to hear the melodies of Bach and I didn’t rub my belly with cocoa butter while reading a bedtime story to my developing child. Rather I stared at the movement going on inside there, wondering what body part I was witnessing and flashing back to scenes from Alien. I also watched, to my amazement, the popping out of the belly button the way a turkey thermometer does when the turkey is done. What the heck? I just missed out on sitting in forest shaded under the willow tree contemplating what my son or daughter would be like and if I could name them something earthy like Shadow or Whisper. I guess I never had that type of connection.

But now that she is coming into our home soon I find myself wondering what she will look like. How often she will wake up in the middle of the night. If she will have the hiccups as much as she has in uetro (she’s actually having them now). What life will be like with two children and how Olivier will react to her in those first months.

For the past 8 months Matt and I have been busy with our work and very busy with remodeling our home. We want to finish a few projects in these last weeks so that we don’t have to worry about our house in the fall or winter. September will mark the end as well as a beginning for the Bonjours. The end of intense home projects but the beginning with life as a four person family. I hear once you buy a home the projects never end, there is always something else to work on. The same applies to raising children. There is a constant that we can always count on….change!

I guess it’s time for me to learn how to use this stuff. Right, honey? This photo was taken in Cyprus while we were visiting Grandpa Bonjour after his heart surgery.

This is my first entry into any sort of blog spot and let me explain why I have fought the initiation into the 21st century.

I , firstly, am ignorant of “techy” stuff, for lack of a better term. I get stumped and frazzled, sometimes to the point of wanting to kick something…or someone, if I cannot figure out computer issues that arise, and they always do. I am the type of person who has to fully understand why something is the way it is. This is why learning another language has also been my nemesis, just one of many nemesis (”nemesee, nemesi, nemesisis, what’s the plural on that?”- this is only funny if you’ve seen Mystery Men). But I digress…

My doting husband has tried many a time to help me understand the ways of a computer (While I try to help him understand the ways of a pregnant women. Yes, we do have a higher body temperature and that’s why I get ridiculously hot and need the fan on when we sleep). But to my disappointment, and his, I have frustratingly failed to understand how things with buttons, nobs, “links”, “properties”, and “options” work. What does “properties” mean anyway?

I empathize with the senior citizens, or pensioners if you’re English, of today. You all know who I am referring to. These are your grandparents or your older aunts and uncles that say things like, “when we first had a TV there were only 13 channels, plus that U channel that no one ever knew what the hell it was for. Now there are three remotes here to turn the station and 411 stations to choose from!”.

We make fun of them and swear that we will never utter such phrases but I sympathize with their frustrations of the 21st century. I too will chime in that I know not why we must use a road map of sorts to change the TV station. Maybe that’s why Matt and I don’t have cable.

Recently I was at a friend’s house for the weekend and saw that they possessed a plethora of remote controls for the “entertainment center”. My friend Beth went to take a shower and said, “Watch whatever you want. I’ll be down in a bit”. Well, already I knew I was going to have problems. I proceed to hit a button with an “up” arrow in order to go one channel up. Afterward it all went to snow. I wasn’t at all surprised. Next I hit the “down” button and still saw snow. There was no turning back. I was lost and unable to find my way back to the lame episode of This Old House. I chuckled the way you do when your mind is saying, “I knew this would happen.” It’s not a funny chuckle but it’s almost amusing.

Beth comes downstairs and I tell her my story of screwing up the whole TV. She hits three buttons, switches a lever on the stereo, uses a pully and rotates the house just to get the channel switched. I’m being a bit dramatic except for hitting three buttons and switching a lever on the stereo. Wow! That was just so obvious! I can’t believe I didn’t figure that out! Now I’m sounding like someone over the age of 65. Is there anyone out there who understands?

This post is a small victory and I sure hope you’re proud of me. With much trepidation I decided to embark today. I’ve entered my first piece into our site and now you know why you haven’t heard from me yet. Hopefully this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Yes, i am human, and yes I am messed up, and yes I do make mistakes, but above all Christ DID die to set me free. I realised recently that a large reason for my recent process on being human and having human failings was that I know that God is calling me to step closer to Him.

I have grown up in many ways since my mum passed away (which turned out to be quite the catalyst of my development). I have made many good decisions since then, and have matured, taking on greater responsibilities etc etc. So, on one hand I have grown up and changed a great deal - characterwise. One the other hand, some things don’t seem to have changed as much as I would like. One of those is relationship with God.

I have been willing to make the necessary sacrifices to grow in maturity and parenting and all that, but unwilling to make the sacrifices to lay aside my own agenda and time to press into God. I am also, probably a little scared of the added responsibility of that kind of relationship with him and what that will cost to the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to.

This is my wall, and I just have to climb it. It may not make sense to you, and I know that some of it isn’t very logical. I probably just need to get over it and grow the heck up!

So no more excuses. I do believe in victory, but also recognise that I am human and not perfect, and boy, does God have an abundance of grace for me.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily connect to anything I have been writing about, although further commentary on nature of our humanity is needed and forthcoming. It does connect in the area of music. I found this “video” on youtube and it really tickled my fancy. Its “Here It Goes Again” by OKGO. I think a big part of it is because the guys don’t at all look like the kind of dudes who would do this kind of a thing. Watch and enjoy. Link here

For another video of theirs visit here.

Here are some more song lyrics. Funny how sometimes “secular” songs express my feelings more effectively then a lot of the worship songs. Lyrics from “Humanity” from the Album Essence by A Guy Called Gerald:

These days I find
I’m wasting my time
On all the little things
That shouldn’t concern me
Weighing my heart
With such confused emotion
Letting anxiousness in
Where peace should prevail

It’s just my humanity
Getting the better of me
It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me

I’ve been working on it
Just trying and working on it
Knowing the soul to be lighter
If I could just shed this weight
Or just carry this weight
Without objection
So weight become lightness
And light becomes weightless

Oooo it’s just my humanity
Getting the better of me
It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me

I’m lifting
The lid off
Eventually
Holding my head up
And clarity
Where once there was proud
I know this place
And smile inside

Ooooh it’s just my humanity
Getting the better of me
It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me

It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me
Getting the better, getting the better (getting the better), getting the better of me
It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me

I want to add this to the discussion raised by my previous post. Some song lyrics (how arty and intellectual you say) by Badly Drawn Boy. Taken from the track “Holy Grail” from the album “One Plus One is One” (iTMS, Amazon):

“ Don’t you know it’s easy to see where you went wrong.
You forgot you’ve got oxygen running through your veins.”

The complete lyrics for context:

“Do you know where we’re going to?
Do you know what we will do when we arrive?
As I wait for you to set sail.
Don’t you know that I hope you find your holy grail.
Suffered in silence so long.
Don’t you know it’s easy to see where you went wrong.
You forgot you’ve got oxygen running through your veins.
Suffered in silence so long.
Can’t you see it’s easy to know where you went wrong.
You forgot you’ve got oxygen running through your veins.
Do you know where we’re going to?
Do you know what we will do when we arrive?
As I wait for you to set sail.
Don’t you know that I hope you find your Holy Grail.“

The other night Tracie and I went to see “Friends with Money” at the cheap theatre. It turned out to be a pretty decent movie, with really funny characters and interesting developments. It was one of its themes which really stood out to me; It can be summarised by the last line of the movie: “I got problems!”

As Tracie and I were driving home, we were reflecting on this final line, and on the story of this girl, played by Jennifer Aniston. It seems that we have been watching a lot of character movies in the past few months: Junebug, Winter Solstice, The Family Stone, Elizabethtown. Watching these kinds of movies can be quite painful at times; people’s mistakes are plain to see, you can’t avoid them! Its so easy to watch them, separating yourself, thinking “i would never do that!” or to want to shout at them, telling them to stop seeing some guy (or girl).

The fact that we all “got problems” was what particularily interested me. Its true, we all have serious problems. Every single person on earth, even Mother Theresa and Billy Graham “got problems!” There are so many people that we look up to, that we trust and recieve their counsel and advice and they are messed up too. I think that I have established this fact. Lets move on to a more personal reflection:

As we were driving in the car, Tracie began to tell me of how tired she was getting of feeling like so many people that count on us appear to be perpetually disappointed in us. She feels like in our Christian world there isn’t much room to have problems, and they aren’t tolerated or accepted. Tracie and I are in such a stage of transition that we are making mistakes all the time, and yes, we got big problems. It seems that God has a lot more grace then the rest of the Christian community.

I am not saying that we should all be left to our problems and thats that. I am trying to say that we need to be more patient with one another and with then problems that we see in people’s lives. After all, i am pretty sure that God is Uber-patient with us.

I am permanently messing up, and often feel like I can’t get anything right. But I recognise God’s bountiful grace in my life; his aspiring patience, and profound love as I consider how many problems i got and how he always continues to love me.